Ah yes, now the reason you all haven't been seeing any updates, despite me writing everyday is that I'm marking everything For My Eyes Only, since most of it is dull and some of it is stuff I'm unwilling to scribble down on the open interweb. So, I am still here, but this blog has become solely a diary for me to keep track of where I am every day and what I'm doing/feeling, since now most of my memory from Uni has gone I'm realising it's pretty important a person with my limited long term memory keep a daily journal.

But this is public just to say hi (although I'm fairly sure all of you have found me on Facebook now) and scribble a bit about the photographic journey I just had to go on.

My Grandma is insisting on having a portrait of me with my hair "not straightened". GAH! In order to get a reasonable shot I've had to turn my bedroom into a mini studio, two fill lights, a spot, a back drop, in liue of a tripod a chair with a chest on it (why oh why did I think I don't need a tripod!) plus some of the fading sun light. The photo isn't great but with a lot of experimenting with the light, and myself, I've got what will hopefully be a grandma approved photo.

Note to self. Do not do self portraits unless you're actually feeling inspired and not alll curly haired and red in the face from eating too much.

But I did quickly teach myself a lot more about portrait photography and I was pleased that I was using tweaks and techniques I've learnt from all my reading.

Heh, was just being a satellite navigator to Housemate Laura over the phone as she tried to find a garage in MArsh Barton trading estate.

Went back to work today, I was tired from the go but thankfully had lots of help in. There's a lot to do but I'm all caught up paperwork wise now.

Working with Abigail has become strange experience. She's like a ghost to me, when we're in the same room it's like we are on different planes of existance. Neither of us will acknowledge the other. She even looks ghost like, pale skin, suken eyes from all the drinking, black uniform, (the stupid corporate Harry Potter tee shirt makes her look fat, to my utter delight).

The only development worth telling is that pretty much everyone at work knows the truth now. Although no one will dare touch it with a barge pole, it's nice to know that they understand where I've been the last year and a half. What is very interesting is that Gill and T know they all know but niether of them are willing to tell Abigail that everyone knows. They're so scared of her, and blind to it, just how I was.

It's odd being less busy now that all the Lukians have gone back to thier respective home towns. This will be the last quiet summer however because most of them will be staying next summer. Frankly I need a quiet summer to recover financially.

Right, I've been sat at the cimputer trying to get my wireless to work all evening, so I'm going to go and not sit at the computer for a bit... Craving chocolate though...

Insomnia is a strange feeling.

Not just an inability to sleep, it isn't those nights when you lie awake, feeling tired either physically or mentally but can't seem to nod off. Insomnia is a burning need to be up and doing something, usually something creative, writing, painting, walking the streets people watching. Trying to connect with something out there. Around 90% of insomniacs are single, that old human need for connection raising it's ugly head again.

My insomnia leaves me buzzing at night times and tired in the day. Not the tired that makes me snap at my boss and fall asleep, drooling on my desk, just slow, like I'm living my life in treacle, disconnected. The more my day to day routine is interrupted the more likely a bout will come along. The last serious problem was last year, when The Woman was disturbing every evening, either by being here, being with me, or demanding my presence in her own bed. I was getting down to only a few hours sleep a night, not because she directly was keeping me awake but because my carefully managed routine, physically and mentally was so thrown by that relationship.

This new bout, becoming all the more serious every night, I think has been brought on simply by all the illnesses et cetera I have been blighted with, odd time off work, and the added stress of last years history becoming this years gossip. I need to get back into a routine. Or find a new routine that better suits this me, a routine that includes more exercise, even more 'me' time and a more focussed goal. My plans are all so long term, so far away. I need a closer focus.

In a desperate attempt to pass the hours while I'm too sick to leave the house (and it's still raining anyway so I don't want to elave the house) I decided to waste time surfing the internet. Randomly searching for odd stuffon google and floowing bizzarre links.

I have come to one conclusion. The internet is boring. It great for communicating, great when you find a cloumn or blog that interests you and you can follow on an rss feed, great for looking up music when you hear/see artists. But to actually waste time just surfing, that just isn't fun anymore.

Ten years ago I used to spend an entire day on my Dad's computer, with dial up (dial up didn't seem so slow then because there was no flash ads or all this complicated programming to download) just pootling around the internet, looking at random, yet oddly interesting websites. Today I haven't been able to find half an hours worth of stuff to entertain me.


I'm still suffering with whatever virus this is, it generally sucks and is leaving me feeling tres tired. Slept for twelve hours last night, so when I woke at half one in the afternoon I was very confused and decided to clean the bathroom to within an inch of it's life.

I will take Monday and Tuesday off work (I'm signed off until the end of next week) but I have things I need to go in and do before my two week holiday so I am willing myself to be well for at least Thursday, then I can do Thursday and 5 1/2 hours on Saturday for extra dollar.

Being at home all day, everyday, with nothing much to do has led me to read an entire book in a day, and clean the bathroom, and re arrange things in my bedroom, and watch the History channel, what exciting time wasting things will I find next to occupy me. Hmmm, Wimbledon starts Monday. I've caught most of Glasto, I guess next I can watch all of Wimbledon.

This was boring. Sorry.

Gah, sick again. Signed off again. Boo hiss.

It's seven thirty nine pm and here's the news from Ley Central.

It was a wet day around Ley today, heavy showers and thunder storms ensured Ley was soaked to the skin walking back from her appointment with Sarah. Theses appointments have now gone way over the six allocated appointments but Sarah and Ley are both ignoring this fact as they trudge on through the dark psychological recesses.

Business news, and work was ok today, Ley sat through a long and fairly boring staff meeting, where she was again shown how her job will be totally changing, to the point of disapearring sometime next year. But Ley is remaining unphased, safe in the knowledge that Bastardstone's is shite and will fuck it all up and delay the whole process anyway.

In financial news Ley has just applied to transfer her credit card balance to a Barclay card with 0% interest for 13 months. This should free up some monthly income and allow her to pay a chunk her balance off without the interest eating up all her repayments.

Technological news, last night Ley managed to ring about ten different people by mistake whilst editing thier names in her flash new phone. Which is now the envy of all her friends and collegues and it was free, bonus!

In personal news, Ley is feeling ok, missing her Lukians, who are already bombarding her Facebook page and msn and sms inbox with messages, Ley feels a bit loved, which is nice.

Heh, Orange are so cool.

Just got off the phone to lovely Scottish lady, BB will be up and running within two weeks. Tres excitement.

Orange Lady also had fab sense of humour, we were all feeling the love.

My very very sexy new phone arrived today, it is gee-orgeous. So I'm off to play with that after updating...

The St Luke's summer ball was fabulous, I looked fabulous-ish, everyone had a great time. I went on the dodgems, a lot, and the bouncy castle, (only once just to see if I could stay in my strapless ballgown, I could, thank god!) There was a fabulous jazz band and an amazing singer/songwriter who could play anything on his guitar, and I mean anything, Prince, Razorlight, Michael Jackson, any thing. And had a great voice to boot. The DJ after 2am was a bit dodgy, but I still managed to stay until 4am withthe guys, then went up to Emma's to change and was home just after dawn at 5am. Sunday was surreal, simply because I had barely slept.

Today work was ok, bit dull, nothing really coming in. Spent an hour going through the procedures manual blacking out irrelevent stuff. Have got an hour or twos worth of 'area table' maintenance to do tomorrow, which is the kind of logical data stuff I like to do to relax - I'm weird I know.

For geeky reference, Waterstone's will have no internet access for the next few days. The main central server we use at head office is being moved to a cooler room with better air con to stop the mother fucker from crashing every.fucking.day. Hurrah, finally a sensible move by Bastardstone's!

The weather, after two weeks of high humidity then a weekend of downpours, finally looks more like June again.

I've officially no money at all now, but only two days till pay day and i spent my last ten pounds wisely at Sainsbury's so I have enough food to last. When I do get paid I need to buy lots of toiletaries that I have run out of, my lovely housemates are sick of me stealing all thier shampoo and shower gel. Now all the Lukians have gone back to thier various home towns my socialising will quieten down for a couple of months, plus there's no birthdays or big events coming up, so hopefully can pull back some monies. I'm still considering using my tv as rent for my landlord one month.

Seeing alcohol counsellor tomorrow, better late than never, it's been a really rough month, but I seem to be out the other side. Sorting out my phone contract and internet has been a nice achievment.

Ok.

I've talked to Terry and he will increase my hours to full time if the budget will allow in July. Until then he will give me extra hours on a Saturday. So I'm working tomorrow, 9am till 3pm.

Another financial blow earlier this week, our rent is being increased by £15 and HSBC want to start charging me 18.3% EAR interest on my £400 overdraft. Boo hiss. I'm really hoping these bank charges won't be more than a tenner, or I'm going to lose all the extra money I'm working for to bloody bank charges...

The week picked up towards to the end, I had my 1:1 with Terry regarding this (preposterous) "harmonisation" and he was again singing my praises for all the extra work I did over the refit, and suggested I could eventually go for lead bookseller... hmmm, Ok Terry. But it was nice to get appreciated.

The same day I saw ex-housemate Dan briefly, which is always a brightness.

Yesterday I found out that Slutbag will be kept at a Bookseller level, not senior bookseller like myself, meaning she get no pay rise and I remain senior to her, revenge in a quiet, karmic way, is so sweet.

BT engineers were brilliant, spent a few hours working and have fixed the phoneline to the house, so I gave the wonderful and splendiferous Orange a call.

Now I hate hate hate calling customer service lines, I hate being put on hold and pressing 1 to do this, 2 to do the other 3 to scream violently... But I pressed 1 because my call was regarding Orange Broadband, and within ten seconds was speaking to a lovely Scottish woman, who could not only explain all the Broadband clearly and sensibly, but also had a sense of humour, and could upgrade my phone and change my contract for me... SO now I'm paying the same amount to Orange but instead of 100 minutes I get 800 and instead of 500 texts I get unlimited texts, and I get a Magic Number, and a brand spanking new Samsung beauty.

The Broadband wireless unlimited package is only costing me....FIVE POUNDS A MONTH!

GOD BLESS ORANGE!

I am actually going to write them a lovely letter, because that was the best customer care I have ever received. Orange have been recommended to me and I heartily recommend them to you...

Spend today with Master Finlay, we went to the library and round the shops. He's giggling and chatting away, charming everyone he meets. Awesome.

Emma was supposed to be home today, but she has to get through Birmingham, which today is impossible because all the trains have been cancelled thanks to Birmingham lines being flooded... joy.

Gah, that means I need to cook for myself... Best go do that then.

Facebook, it's just fabitty fab.

In other words, should we just shut the hell up about this privacy thing (hey, you live in a cramped, bustling metropolis -- privacy is never implied) and be glad it's only happy geeky Google taking what amounts to a giant omnidirectional meta-tourist snapshot of the city and just be glad we're not, say, Britain, which has quietly "sleepwalked its way into a surveillance society" and now has about 4.2 million live, sentient surveillance cameras running nonstop, or about one for every 14 citizens? Now that's unsettling.

Mark Morford from SFgate again,

It's true, there's two cctv cameras watching my road, everytime I leave my office I am watched along the corridor, the shop floor is entirely covered (I know this because I was the one who supervised the positions of the cameras). I will never get framed for a murder.

Desperately combing the internet for jobs, thanks to my a)lack of degree b)lack of a car/collateral to pay to travel outside of Exeter and c)lack of any other qualifications or a forklift/heavy goods vehical license all I can do is work in retail - for less money than I'm on now. My IQ is fucking 128, I'm stronger than anyone I know, I'm creative and I am motivated, I've been referred to as a prodigy and brilliant - how did my life end up like this?

I've been to all the police recruitment websites, which all have big notices saying Devon&Cornwall, nor any of the nearby forces, are not recruiting, not even PCSOs.

Also combed government websites for any benifits I could claim, I can claim nothing until I'm 25, and nowhere does it explain why. Nor can I apply for an on the job training apprentiship type thing, because I'm now too old.

I would be better off dead. I am trapped, I've no prospects, I don't earn enough to live comfortably, I simply don't know what to do, I can keep selling my belongings, but eventually I'll just run out of stuff to sell, so that isn't an option.

I've got to admit it guys, I'm depressed. Quite severely. I've just been trying to ignore it, frankly because I'm fed up with feeling depressed so I'm trying to think it away. It is not working.

I'm hungry. I'm hungry all the time. Enough of this self pitying shite. I promise not to write another word until I sort myself out.

So I'm beginning to realise that I can't afford to continue working at Waterstone's. My 16p/hr pay rise in the ridiculous and upsetting "harmonisation" is not as much as any of us were expecting. I've now got to the point where I will probably have to sell my tv to my landlord. And that ladies and gents is the last thing of any worth I can sell.

I would happily work the extra day on a Friday if it weren't for the fact that being in that place with Abigail is what is making me so ill with these damn headaches. If she would just leave, or die, that would be great. Life would be perfect.

Anyway, I'm all confused bout my feelings. I'm in a bit of a 'please nurture me' phase. The time when most normal kids would take a weekend off to go see their parents, get a home cooked meal and some uncomplicated affection, obviously this isn't an option and I don't have a loved one to look after me. I'm feeling kinda lonely. All my friends are far away and I need a cuddle.

Gah, just had two hour long phone conversations and have lost my point. Bascially today was shit. Totally, completely, shite.

Garrrr, corporations just piss me off, especially HMV plc. Bit by bit HQ have taken away the booksellers independence, almost all our stock is now ordered centrally, section ownership means nothing more than keeping your particular area tidy. Progression through the company has been sidelined to these 'fast-track' courses which are producing company policy drones who quickly forget about the people they are supposed to be managing. And now they have taken away our bank holidays. Everyday except for Christmas day, is a 'regular trading day'.

The store I work in, the company I work with, is full of disillusioned, miserable ex-booksellers, for all the good we do we may as well all work for any of the retailers on the High street. Bookselling isn't bookselling anymore, it's just selling, selling products and selling our souls.

Crazy blimmin' weekend. Went home with a very very beautiful friend and nearly destroyed her bathroom (I've finally met a girl as strong as me.) but no sex, oh no, because I'm sober and have some part of a conscience left...damn it.

Emma has now gone back to Nottingham and I really miss my Captain Bahooma.

Last night was the big house party, highlights including, a sofa in the back garden, a cake with £20 worth of flowers on it, photographing everyone from the roof, an indo board love fest, driving a guy called Ollie up to A&E after an indo board injury, two hot girls on one indo board getting very very comfortable with one another, one very drunk, very naked housemate, hiding in Housemate Amy's room with her and realising just how under my skin she is. The continuing worship from ex-housemate Dan.

Felt so alone in a house full of people last night.

Today I woke up at 1pm and the house had been totally cleaned, except for the new blood stains on the carpet and one smear of blood on the doorframe, I think that was left for posterity! The sofa is now getting rained on in the backgarden (it was an old one on it's way to the tip anyway),

Had coffee with future neighbour Norwegian Marte, I think something might happen between us eventually, we've both got that look in our eye. The look that says 'I want to get to know you a lot better because I think we could be good for one another and I don't want to screw this up by moving too fast'. She's bisexual and going through a boy phase, but I am content just having long afternoon chats over coffee and really getting to know her.

It has rained all day, and the rain has felt good - if not a little chilly. The garden needed it and so did my soul. The rain seems to shut me off from the outside world a little. I am very glad it's bank holiday tomorrow, I am very tired and need another day' recovery.

I know I have a tendency to assume the worst where my health is concerned. you've got to admit, I've been given some pretty faulty genesby my hereditary disease riddles family, diabetes, depression, heart problems, obesity, duplex kidneys... the list is so long I know I am doomed.

But I am getting very sick of these headaches, well of the continuing pulsing tight headache which is punctuated by blinding pain now and then. Waking up to a nosebleed this morning wasn't pleasant and then losing the ability to make a cup of tea or write and envelope a letter in the correct orders, that's just plain worrying.

I'm seeing my favourite doctor tomorrow afternoon, I am absolutely certain she is going to say it's stress - and she may be right, but what the hell am I stressed about? Alright, seeing Abigail everyday is a blight on my exisitence, and the sheer injustice of her getting what she wants, yet again, has royally pissed me off, but it's not like I'm a fighter pilot, or a fireman, or living in the Gaza strip? Life, is reasonably peachy.

I have an overwhelming desire to go somewhere away from Exeter and everybody here, turn off my phone for a few days and just do what i want to do. I'm planning another long weekend in London, I'v efound a great hotel right on the strand that's reasonably priced and got some good reviews but I can't afford it until September (and even then I may be struggling). I believe this is the time when regular peeps would go to thier parents for a weekend to relax, I can't think of anything more stressfull.

Anyway, as i said, things are pretty peachy. Work is boring, but it pays the bills and gives me plenty of time to see Fin and have a social life. Fin is growing and learning so quickly, he talks a lot and smiles when he sees me, today ali sent me a text telling me he took his own dummy out of his mouth then put it back in. Yesterday he sang along to a Mika song, boy's gonna be so clever.

The Lukians finish thier year this Friday and are planning a trip to Newquay, and Norwegian Marte wants to have coffee with me "just you and me" over the weekend. They really have made my social life so much more interesting! Last week I celebrated National Norwegian Day at Jacob's house, bbq, norwegian pop songs and a rousing rendition of The Norwegian National Anthem sung by us, mostly to the tune of Jeruselum because we couldn't follow the actual tune on the CD.

Housemates Laura and Irish are having a massive joint birthday this Saturday, and the party is going to be insane. I've been named official photographer, so that'll be interesting.

I'll let you know if the doc concludes or suggests something other than stress, or, hope of hopes, gives me some better drugs (nothing so far has worked)

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/05/11/notes051107.DTL&feed=rss.mmorford

This is a good point well made, and I want his car!!!

Is it bad I get a little fed up with just how much my first year uni friends whine on about one essay... It really is just an essay, and if you're struggling to cope with that then god help you when you leave Uni and have to work in the real world and have kids and manage your suddenly more complicated friendships and relationships...

I bite my tongue and don't say anything. It's all a question of perspective, and from my perspective, only having to worry about writing an essay would be a welcome break from my busy life.

The Birg-meister's leaving do was fine. And Operation: Become Matt's Friend is going very well. We both had an thouroughly enjoyable evening being shocked at just how terrible someone's table manners were, and we have similar long term goals career wise (he wants to join the army inteligence, I want to progress that way through the police.)

I spoke to Terry before we left, told him I wouldn't take up his offer of extra hours on a Friday, I love my work/life balance too much and he said he didn't blame me. He's a good bloke.

Walked Housemate Amy's dog, Tyra, today with Housemate Laura. It rained the whole time but Tyra had fun and it was good to go up to the common and trudge about in some wet grass. When I come back I'd like to be a dog, preferably with an owner like Amy.

Eurovision tonight, for the first time in years I'm actually planning to stay in and watch it (I'm broke and tired). I do find The Wogan quite amusing this one night of the year. And no doubt it'll be all anyone talks about at work so I may as well know which transexual they're talking about. God I love my uber-liberal collegues, nothing fazes them. It says a lot for the importance of reading good books (i.e not entirely Dan Brown or american romance novels, though even they have some comedy value)

The favourite story being banded about the staff currently is of the young man who came in and asked "I'd like one of them dodgy books for my girlfriend", he was professionally directed to the erotic section and quickly hurried back to the desk "Not that dodgy, she wants some 'chick lit'!"

I seem to be in a bit of an odd place, spending a lot of time with the Univeristy Of Exeter students, looking after Finlay, running Goods Handling at the biggest bookstore in the county. My social, family and work worlds seem fairly stable - which is quite unusual for me.

Although I miss being in a relationship, I'm happy having my own space and time to just be me. All in all things are pretty good, pottering along nicely.

Talking of Potter, I had forgotten how good the fifth book is. It may help me enjoy the sixth one, which on it's first reading I found a labourious read, and I haven't felt the desire to pick it up again.

It's Birgit's leaving do this evening, I know that Abigail most likely won't be there, since she is taking some leave and Wednesday night left work with a weekend bag. A part of me, a big part of me, wants her to be feeling terrible about her behaviour the past eighteen months, and especialyl regretting the way she has treated me. The cruel part of me wants her to some and ask for my forgiveness just so I can tell her, with all the drama training I can "I will *never* forgive you for the way you treated me. "

Anyway, the do this evening, I'm wary of anyway, I don't know how many people are coming and I don't want to be one of only a few. It's straight after they all finish work so hopefully it'll be a couple of hours then everyone will want thier dinner and I can leave with the crowd. It used to be Gill, me, Slutbag and sometimes Chris who would be the ones to stay on drinking all night - but that tradition is over.

Tina said something which sparked a thought in my mind on Tuesday evening in Cafe Sozo, I was worried that Matt might ask me directly why I've been avoiding him the last few months, I was worred about what I would say. She said "Just tell him the truth, You and Abi aren't talking anyway so it's not going to make things any worse."

What a good point.

So that's it. I'm no longer her secret keeper. If someone asks me directly again, there'll be no more quick and obvious subject changes. It's the truth from here on out.

This decision is quite relieving.

Depressingly no one asked me today, and I'm not exactly going to write the whole sordid history on my white board (although the thought did cross my embittered mind whilst I had a particularly mind squishing headache.)

A tad of a bad end to the work day.

Work went fairly quickly, plus I had an hour appointment with my alcohol counsellor which went well and really shortened my day. However, my BM has this annoying little habit of coming to me at the very end of the day and dropping bombshells.

Today's was especially frustrating since I kind of knew it would be coming. When I got home my grumpy tiredness fuelled some anger and more frustration. I had to do the grown up thing and remove the Abigail embargo with Tina so that I could hear an outside voice and get the low down on some things. But everything should be ok, I heard what I wanted to hear and Tina had a good idea to deal with this new obstacle.

What put a gleaming spark in my day though, what really lightened my mood when I got back from my cafe meeting with T was seeing Laura and her saying "I saw Abi walking along the pavement and I "accidently" swerved toward her, it made her jump." [FYI Laura has always always hated Abi, since she first met her - so her malice is nothing to do with me :)] I was on the floor in stiches, the wonderful image of Abigail trotting along in her stupid little shoes with her daft little bag like a little princess suddenly spying this big blue car veering towards her - I'm petty and cruel I know, but it just made me laugh my ass off. Loyal friends like Laura are rare.

My confidence, especially in my creative talents has taken a fair old beating the last eighteen months, we all know why and by whom. But it is by losing all those outlets that I have finally dived head first into photography, an interest in which I have always had bubbling in the background.

When I was off sick for a couple of months last summer I bought myself my first decent digital camera, still a point and shoot but with a lot more control over exposure settings. It only took me three months to realise I needed more control and I had a longing for a dSLR.

The good fortune of a large credit card limit and the new years resolution to follow more of my impulses led to a late night online purchase of my dSLR and I haven't picked up my point and shoot since (I'm now selling it to Emma, pictured right)

I've invested in some really great books, particulary 'Basic Composition' by David Prakel. I've also bought a few comliation books of photography, and I'm learning, slowly but surely I'm actually learning something new!

What has really boosted my confidence over the last few weeks has been peoples reactions to my photos. On Facebook the Lukians are all using photos of them I've taken as their profile pictures, which is a real compliment. I get some lovely comments on Flickr and my Dad was really impressed when I finally showed him my portfolio file whilst he was visiting last week. Now he only talks about photography on the phone, which is wierd - we have a hobby in common.

Although I didn't win the Waterstone's design competition I did make the short list and my entry will be displayed at the next conference (which I'm not too pleased about since it wasn't my best work.)

What I'm loving so much is that there is just so much to keep learning, and so many people willing to share experiences and advice. There's so much equipment to save up for and so much out there I want to photograph. It is an endless and timeless investment...